My limbs, lower back, and face all went numb. I was convulsing. It felt like a Kundalini awakening. I had feared crossing a line that I could always feel but could never see or describe.
I had feared, more than anything, accepting a life “alone”.
I don’t mean spending time alone (if you know me well you know I’m quite good at that). What I feared was the loneliness of a life of loss. A life of true balance, where everything I “gain” is one day “taken” from me.
I acknowledged not only logically but emotionally that one day, everyone I know and love will die, and every single thing I know will change form.
And then, the incredible force with which the following hit me was inescapable:
At the end of the day, until my last one, I only have myself 100% of the time.
At first this was terrifying and then, as I leaned into it, it became beautiful, for what would my life be if I lost myself?
For those of you who are unfamiliar with my work, a lot of my focus lands on rewriting narratives: looking at a situation that we say is worst case scenario and saying “okay, how can this be the best case scenario?” … or at the very least, an opportunity for something positive.
In this moment, I had to accept the thing I feared most and then ask “how can this be the best possible case scenario?”
How is it actually a gift that you only ever always have yourself? Can you recall a time when you lost yourself, and lost your enthusiasm for life because of it? In that same vein, can you imagine how painful it would be for someone else who loves you to lose YOU?
Others are a reflection, a mirror, and an extension of me. So at the end of the day, losing myself completely is my worst case scenario. Their presence in my life is a gift, but not a determinant of my experience of my self.
It took looking into the eyes of my deepest unacknowledged fear for my relationship to it to change.
This was the theme of my lesson, and continues to be a valuable teaching of life.
The things we most fear are opportunities to be curious — if and when we are ready — and they often show us what we most value and what we love in life. Grief is just gratitude misplaced.
I value and love others.
The beauty of this moment was the re-cognition of the degree to which I also value and love myself.
So I hope that you take a moment to say thank you to your fears for showing you what you hold most dear and when you’re ready, that you choose to see that they may show you something much deeper and more beautiful than you imagined.